Window Shading

Do you ever think about how the American custom of going to lunch with others isn’t actually conducive to deep conversation? I am convinced that another reason coffee and conversation go so well is the practical and simple idea of looking at the person you’re with. For a whole host of reasons, I don’t make eye contact with someone while I’m eating. Conversely, I can sip coffee and never look down. Most of us aren’t so self-conscious with sipping. Eating is, of course, another story.

How are you with eye contact in general? When I was a young man, my businessman/grandfather told me that there were two keys to first impressions: eye contact and a firm handshake. One was formed by a physical connection, a clasping of hands. The other connection was much more vulnerable because it was so subjective. The locking of eyes with another can send an abundance of messages very quickly.

From the eyes of another we can detect the beginning of stories, the first step of a request, the heat of anger, and confidence—the presence or lack of it. When was the last time you really made eye contact with someone? How long did you maintain it? Was it someone you love, or a stranger?

Every now and then I watch this relational exercise between individuals. I have learned that those with power and influence do not readily give eye contact to others. Walk beside a famous athlete through a crowd of adoring fans and you will see her autograph an abundance of paraphernalia but never give eye contact. She will focus on the task and keep walking. It’s like, if she stops and really engages, she will die.

You don’t have to be famous to neglect this powerful contact point. At some level, we all keep the window to our souls shaded from would-be peeping toms. We get really good at it over time. I’ve been married for 15 years and it doesn’t get any easier to peer longingly into my wife’s beautiful brown eyes. Is it because I fear she might see something I don’t want her to know?

I have talked with men who almost have this “window shade” dynamic as a part of their job description. They aren’t professional poker players but you would think so by how well they guard their gaze around society in general. I think they do it because of all the demands placed upon them. If they give others eye contact, it becomes a pause that leads to obligation.
The problem with this behavior is that they cannot flip a switch and give such connection to those who deserve it. Having counseled those desiring deeper intimacy, I ask them to preface any conversation with an intentional gaze, and not to begin until eye contact is established. It can be a very frustrating exercise. I can’t even get my 3 year old to do it.

Deep down, I am afraid of captivation. In Proverbs 6:25 we are admonished to avoid sexual immorality: “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.” For men and women, the eyes are powerful instruments of charm. Law enforcement officials tell us that only the sickest individuals can kill while looking into the eyes of their victims. They eyes of a victim possess the plea of one who is created with eternal value—the soul speaks of the image of God and its’ connection to one who would do harm. The wiring of life’s sanctity, no matter how corroded, can be sparked by the divine in those moments—a captivating call to the precious value of an image-bearer.

Now, what about Jesus? Can we even begin to know what it would feel like to have eye contact with the Son of God? The gospel of Luke, chapter 6, tells us that before Jesus gave the greatest sermon ever preached, “He brought the disciples before him, and he looked at them.” Were they captivated or repelled by this act of invitation and examination? What would it look like for you to attain an encounter with Christ that captivated you? What would it feel like for you to be caught in his gaze?