Reality Roast bites!

“Remind me to come and visit you when I want a break from reality.”
Walter Matthau, Grumpier Old Men

I was awakened tonight with indigestion and acid reflux. It was due to a meal that I didn’t need to eat, followed by stronger coffee than my aged gut should have been forced to withstand at such an hour. Like a painful conversation that takes awhile to process, so is strong coffee taken too late in the evening.

I woke up thinking about the retirement fund that my employer won’t contribute to for another year, and wondering if I am worth more money. Of course, I have these thoughts just a few hours after finishing a day where I’m not sure I contributed to the kingdom of God in a substantial way. Typical.

I don’t think that I’ve ever been comfortable with reality. While an optimist may be applauded for his positive contribution to family and work, an honest look at what needs to be embraced in the moment can go completely ignored. I have the capacity to enjoy a moment but feel disconnected to what its implication may have on the future. I am afraid it borders on irresponsibility at times. Actually, I know it does but I'm optimistic!

I am also amazed at how people are quick to come to my rescue when verbalizing this sort of internal examination. People do not seem to want me delving into those thoughts of potential character flaws. I have often been forced from those depths if introspection at just the time when I thought I was making progress. I wonder if Christians don’t want other Christians to deal with inauthentic issues because they don’t want to admit their own shortcomings as well.

Yesterday I sent my family, each of them, the appropriate messages that I love them and desire to be with them. I showered and shaved, more closely than the day before because someone commented on my shadow. I dressed in the usual blue and khaki and came down for oatmeal. The boys were taken to school. The truck sent to maintenance and repair for some rusting u-joints. My wife collected me during the wait and drove me to the office. I say “to the office” because I couldn’t say “to work.” I went back and forth between a desktop and a notebook, listening and reading but very little responding or initiating.

The idea of entertaining a change of employment, a move to a different location, does not interest me in the least. And yet, there is this deep dissatisfaction with where I am professionally. I just finished a book, if you can call it that. I feel like I threw something together at times. I desire a real sense of attachment to my work, yet possess no burning desire for anything. I want to change, but find no rope to latch on that would pull me toward something that would balance my life between work and family. I know I am gifted but feel trapped in some ways from letting those gifts out. It’s easier to blame a system than to look at where I may be self-sabotaging my life.

At times, reality is so foreign to me that I wonder if I truly know what it looks like. At first glance, I appear to be lost in some way, drifting. I wonder how much I must surely frustrate my wife and kids with this. So often I just don’t feel like I know what to do, and when I do act the potential for nobility or irresponsibility is a coin toss. I have often cloaked utter disregard for reality by calling it risk-taking, or worse, faith.

So I sit here in the dark, on a couch that is less than comfortable, at 2:41 am, and enter these random scribbles about personal reflection and wonder if I’ve done any good, made any progress. The optimist in me wants to believe I have. In an honest look at the reality of the moment, however, I see a mocking return. It is just that I seem to have been at this so long.

If I possess any sense of drive, it is to make certain that my children don’t fall into the same trap. Of course I am only attempting to steer them away from these pitfalls, I have no real assurance that I’m doing such a thing. I can handle them falling into junk by their own choosing, but not from a lack of preparation on my part. I don’t want to minimize this purpose but is there more? There’s reality, ...........and there’s grace to face it.